


The Umbrella Academy and the sexy cheese sandwich that smelled like tuna

by Tequilaguy



Series: sexy cheese TUA AU [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Bisexuality, Bottom Klaus Hargreeves, DaD sEnT mE tO tHe MoOn (Umbrella Academy), Drugs, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Gay Male Character, Gen, Homelessness, Inappropriate Humor, Klaus Hargreeves Needs Help, M/M, Multi, Musical References, My Chemical Romance References, Other, References to Drugs, Relationship(s), Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy) - Freeform, The Umbrella Academy (TV) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:28:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27843727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tequilaguy/pseuds/Tequilaguy
Summary: Reginald Hargreeves, also known as famous rapper Lil Reggie “Eminem” G-Hargreeves had tried to start a band called  “The Umbrella Fuckers” with his gang the “The Wet Apes”.This didn’t work out.So, Reggie decided to just adopt a bunch of fucking children to turn them into a band instead and to capitalize on them. Just a day after he got that idea some random kids with special powers were born and he decided to adopt them.A TUA Crack!Fic made with love and depression <3
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Original Male Character(s), Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Grace Hargreeves & Reginald Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves/David "Dave" Katz, The Handler/Dr. Pogo (Umbrella Academy)
Series: sexy cheese TUA AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2038162
Comments: 8
Kudos: 6





	The Umbrella Academy and the sexy cheese sandwich that smelled like tuna

**Author's Note:**

> This is just some crack fic I came up with  
> enjoy!!

It was a quiet day in the former sex shop that now served as the institution known as The Umbrella Academy.

Reginald Hargreeves, also known as famous rapper Lil Reggie “Eminem” G-Hargreeves, was sitting in his office as always.

Back in the 80’s Reggie and his gang, “The Wet Apes”, had tried to start a band called “The Umbrella Fuckers”.

This didn’t work out, however.

So, Reggie decided to just adopt a bunch of fucking children to turn them into a band instead and to capitalize on them. Just a day after he got that idea some random kids with special powers were born and he decided to adopt them.

Reginald had never been good with human names and thought that calling all of them “Reginald jr.” would be too confusing.  
So, he used numbers instead. He considered naming them in order of talent and usefulness but that would be cruel, so he got more creative:

Number 1 got called number one because he was one year old when he killed for the first time.  
Number 2 once shit himself.  
Number 3 was.  
4 is the number of kidney stones Number 4 has.  
Number five was either born to five guys or at Five Guys.  
Number 6 has six hairs.  
And finally, number seven was born at an 7-Eleven store. He originally wanted to call her eleven but his rival band, The Strangers And The Things, had already used that name.

Now, 30 years later, the children were just vibing...

Diego Hargreeves woke up and got out of his manly and heroic bed. There were lots of manly posters of famous wrestlers taped to his walls. Because the manliest thing a man can do is sleep naked, while a bunch of half-naked muscular men are watching you. Diego put his apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur on.

He walked out of his room and fell down the stairs, but in a manly and heroic way.  
He crushed Vanya on his way down. Diego got up like nothing happened and continued his way to the living room. Vanya was left behind lying unconscious on the stairs.

His brother Klaus was sitting on the floor. He was trying to smoke a needle filled with cocaine and heroin. A homeless guy was sitting beside him. Klaus had found the guy while searching for food in the dumpsters. The guy soon became attached and kept following Klaus around.

Klaus didn’t question it since he thought that the guy was just another ghost following him.  
However, Klaus hadn’t realized yet that the guy wasn’t a ghost. This was simply due to the fact that his siblings never questioned who the random crackhead following Klaus was.  
They just thought that it was Klaus’ new boyfriend or something and decided that they didn’t want to know more than that.

The homeless dude was actually pretty nice though. Allison occasionally fed him dog food and when you scratched his belly, he would lick your hand and get a boner.

Diego took a plastic plate out of the trash can and started to suckle on it.

CRASH!!

Luther Hargreeves entered through a brick wall right beside the door. Luther didn’t believe in doors.

(Diego didn’t either since he believed that doors were just a conspiracy by the government.)

Vanya who had just gained consciousness again got promptly hit by a brick in the process.

Luther was wearing a MCR shirt, ripped black jeans and black eyeliner. His hair was dyed black with green strands and his leather boots were from hot topic. He had a black tote bag with a red text on it that read “Ask me about the moon. “

Luther left a trail of black hair behind. Luther’s mother had had sex with a monkey before Luther’s birth, so he had become a monkey/human hybrid and was pretty hairy.

“Where’s Allison?”, grunted Luther.

“Where have you been?”, countered Diego in a manly way.

“I’ve been running over puppies with my car.” Luther put his earphones on and listened to “Sweet Home Alabama” while looking for his sister.

At this moment Pogo, the family ape, who everyone called Peter Griffin, entered the room.

Peter Griffin and Luther exchanged a very sloppy kiss (this was ape tradition, at least that’s what they told their family). All this kissing reminded Diego of his sisters, he wondered where they were, even though Vanya was standing right beside him.

Suddenly Ben came flopping in. He was like an ugly mermaid with half of his body being human and the lower half being some kind of octopus thingy.  
He basically looked like the love child between Ursula from The Little Mermaid and Eugene from Buzzfeed’s Try Guys.

He miserably squiggled up the stairs. Diego just watched him silently. One of the tentacles grabbed Vanya and dragged her along like a rag doll.

Speaking of dolls, Number Five, also known as Snoop Dogg’s’ alter ego Dog Poop, had to leave his mannequin doll behind. Dolores had been his childhood crush. But now Five was growing up. He was growing into a man (again). Frankly, his body had hit puberty (AGAIN). He had moved on from Dolores and got a high school girlfriend.

His new flame was called Dolores 2.0 and she was an inflatable sex doll. She was far better accustomed to his needs than good old’ Dolores 1.0.

(Unbeknownst to Five he was following right into Reginald’s footsteps since Reggie originally had a different purpose for Grace than to play nanny.)

Anyway, Allison finally came home. She was a self-proclaimed theater kid. Which meant that she didn’t walk or talk without making a reference to a song or doing a lil tap dance on the way.

She did a pirouette and tripped over Vanya who had gotten thrown down the stairs (again) by the tentacle.

Peter Griffin came on the floor. Then Peter walked over to help Allison up.  
He then kicked Vanya across the room and roller skated away.  
Allison was so tired of Vanya’s shit. She was basically useless. There was no need for her to be at the Academy.

Luckily at this moment the garbage truck was coming.

Poor Vanya had fallen right on top of the family’s trash bags. The trash guy just wordlessly collected her with the rest of the trash and threw her in the car.

He was used to collecting lifeless bodies from the Umbrella Academy household.

He then gave Allison a glass of warm milk he had in his pocket and left.  
Allison decided to feed the milk to the family pet.

The family pet was one of Klaus’ former cum socks which had developed consciousness and a mind of its own after rotting away under his bed for years. Klaus had lovingly named it “Cumuel” or “Cummy” as a nickname.  
In fact, the cum sock was smarter than the whole family combined.

“Hey Diego.”, Allison greeted her brother.

Diego had started to fight his own shadow and kept punching the wall, so he was too busy to answer since his one brain cell wasn’t good at multitasking.

She sat down between Klaus and the homeless guy instead.

One of them smelled like piss but she couldn’t tell which one.

They sat there quietly and stared at the wall. It was really awkward.

“Oh fuck!”, exclaimed Klaus suddenly:” I gotta update my OnlyFans!”, he hurried up the stairs. His floppy dick making wet slapping noises as it swung against his tights.

Had he been naked the whole time?

The homeless guy was sniffing Allison's hair now. Then he started to nibble on it.  
Allison had many regrets.

“LEAVE MY WOMAN ALONE!”

A terrifying roar echoed through the halls as Luther came running towards them on all fours.

He was wearing a black tank top, a short blue skirt, and black high heels. He had also put his raven hair up in a high ponytail and was wearing skull earrings.

He shoved the homeless dude away who quickly vanished into a crack in the wall.  
“Are you okay, Ally?”


End file.
